Can we stop all this talk about Cork as a gourmet capital? If you really think that Corkonians are foodies, then the next time you ask for a snack box, why don’t you add “I presume it’s free range and organic” and listen to the guy behind the counter come back with “c’mere boy, we’re not even sure it’s chicken.”

And while we’re at it, can we put this whole tripe and drisheen thing behind us. If this is authentic Cork food, then how come the city isn’t full of tripe and drisheen joints, with queues out the door at tea time?

The fact is that when it comes to food, Corkonians only really get passionate when asked ‘where’s your favourite chipper?’ We’re not talking about the McDonalds, Burger Kings or Abrakebabras of the world here. They are fleeting places, forever trying out brand new Mexican, Italian or American type things that all taste like breast in a bun with extra mayonnaise. We’re talking old-style chippers here, where the menu hasn’t changed since they invented coleslaw.

You know the drill. In burgers we have double-cheese, quarter pounder, chicken, breast in a bun, Hawaiian, batter and salad. Nobody in their right mind orders a salad burger. There’s cod in batter, sausage in batter, snack-box, snack-box in batter, mushy peas, cheese and potato pies. There are chips of course, with and without curry. There are two types of people in Cork; those who like their curry (or mushy peas) poured over the top and those who want it in a little carton, so they can pour it on top when they get home.  If you are sent out with an order for curry in a carton, and foolishly return home with curry on top, you’ll be called an asshole and sent back down to the chipper.

For many people on the southside, that chipper will be Jackie Lennox’s on Barrack Street. My wife’s family don’t talk about getting chips for tea, they talk about getting Lennox’s. If you go when it’s busy the queue will be somewhere out around Bishopstown. Don’t worry, it moves quickly. By the time you get to Glasheen the ‘who’s next?’ will be directed at you. Just step out of line and recite your order. There’s no need to shout, these guys have extra sensory powers of some sort that enable them to understand your need for a snack box. The whole affair never takes more than 10 minutes.

That’s just me; other people will have their own favourites across the south side. A friend of mine loves a plate of scampi with mushy peas from the Golden Fry in Ballinlough, but scampi can seem a bit posh weather for you average chipper fan, and there’s talk they also serve monkfish. Well, excuse me.  KC’s in Douglas is the closest thing we have to a gourmet chipper in the city, where the usual fare is dressed up with exotic sauces and pitta bread. Of course the Douglas crowd couldn’t just have an ordinary chipper like the rest of us, oh no.

Dino’s is more traditional, with a few popular shops across the city including my local in Turners Cross.  Dino caused a stir though when he put up a sign saying they had to stop giving out free scoops of chips due to too many requests; a lot of Cork diners regard the no scoop policy as chip shop sacrilege.

I don’t know much about chippers on the north side. However more than one norrie chip-connoisseur has told me that it’s insulting to ask for a free scoop up on the hills because it’s given to everyone as a matter of course. The same experts agree that their favourite place on the north side is Murphy’s on Gerald Griffin Street, with Tasty Snacks in Churchfield a close second. Somebody pointed out that Donnelly’s on Shandon Street is great after a few pints, which of course raises the important point that a place that’s good for your tea isn’t necessarily right after pints and vice versa.  Burger Hut on Hollyhill is famous for huge bags of chips. Finally, my mother-in-law mourned the passing of Con Callaghan’s near the North Cathedral, which is now a Chinese.

This brings us to the Chinese restaurant on Prince’s Street that is regarded by some Corkonians as the best chipper in town. Most of the traffic on the Grand Parade and South Mall around tea time is made up of people circling around while their passengers queue on the stairs of Pearl River to pick up enough take away curried chicken and chips to feed an army. It’s the purest form of Sino-Cork food known to mankind.

I know there’ll be those of you reading this fuming that I didn’t mention your favourite place, the best chipper in the world. But there you have it; Cork people are passionate about their chippers.