If you are a man about to start working from home, here is a word to the wise. Refuse to have anything to do with the washing machine. Or you’ll just end up depressed.
Most people will tell you that the biggest problem with working from home is you’ll end up addicted to daytime TV. That’s rubbish. Daytime TV actually makes you more productive. It’s like a sheepdog, herding you back to the desk with its shittyness, encouraging you to do your job rather than watch another second of some American chat show hostess faking an orgasm because a C-list chef is making pavlova.
No, the problem with working from home is your magic laundry basket, the type that never empties. It’s enough to make any man wish he was back in the office. I’ve just hung up the latest batch, a 30 degrees wash of non-whites, mainly towels. Yesterday it was 30 degrees, non-whites; the day before was a 50 degrees load of gym and sports gear. It’s whites tomorrow, then bed linen. I’m drowning here.
I blame the wife. You see, she’s not the sort of person to cram clothes into the laundry basket for a fortnight and then wash six socks when the clean ones run out. Weird I know, but it takes all sorts. So she loads up the machine every morning before going to work and leaves me to do the hanging out. Sneaky. But it’s either that or face some awkward questions when she gets back about what exactly it is that I do all day. The wife can get very animated when I mention my nap. So I hang out and bring in the clothes. A lot.
Don’t ask me how we generate so much washing. Neither of us are what you’d call smelly – it’s one of the things that attracted us to each other in the first place. We don’t have work outfits or get dressed for cocktail hour. But our washing machine is always on the go.
I’ll be blunt. Men aren’t programmed to deal with this amount of washing. We need to believe that life is about the big things like going on a crusade or killing dinosaurs or getting one over on that prick in the IT department. Too much of the humdrum and we sink into ‘what’s the point of it all?’ melancholy followed by 10 pints. That’s grand every now and again, but you wouldn’t want to make a habit out of it. Women on the other hand have much more realistic expectations about life. They realise the washing has to be done. And they definitely prefer folding things.
Let me tell you about my four aunts. They were four fabulous women who chose to live their lives together in a house in Kinsale. It was like a convent, but with much more glamorous clothes. They usually did their washing on a Sunday in a military style operation that took all day. One week they decided to get ahead of themselves, so they moved the washing back to Saturday. A few weeks later, to give themselves a break on Saturday, they moved it back to Friday. And so on. Within a couple of months it was back to Sunday again.
I tell this story to women and they see it as yet another example of female efficiency. Men just shake their heads and agree that life is meaningless. It’s our melancholy gene. You spend every week washing clothes. The only way you know time is moving on is that the knickers are getting bigger. And then you die. What’s the point?
I’m not being a cave man about this. I’m actually fairly domesticated. Cooking, vacuuming and buying the groceries seem to be in my nature. A housemate once nicknamed me The Wife. My mother calls me Missus. If I was only slightly more neurotic, I’d be in therapy over that. So I don’t mind doing my bit as long as it doesn’t remind me of my own mortality.
I’m worried that I’m getting used to the mind-numbing tedium of washing. I had a conversation the other day with a complete stranger about the benefits of washing line over clothes horse (it’s not just the smell, there’s also the softness). I get a real shot of satisfaction now looking out the window at our clothes blowing in the breeze. I’ve even taken to watching the rainfall radar view on www.met.ie to see if there’s a shower coming. Jesus, shoot me.
Seriously, there’s got to be more to life. If you’re a guy out there who is thinking of working from home, give it a go by all means. There’s just one condition. You don’t want to have anything to do with the washing. Trust me, that’s women’s work.